Rough Music

In a couple of weeks I will be 40; a turning point. For many women, turning 40 is a difficult milestone. We dread it. We fear it. We hate it. We deny it. But it comes anyway. We don’t obsess about marriage anymore. We don’t obsess about kids anymore. We do however continue to obsess about our “right to choose.”

At 40, the “right to choose” is defined as: “HOW DO WE CHOOSE TO AGE?”

Do we choose to use a little Botox and/or Juviderm to maintain our dwindling youthful appearance? Do we choose to simply add more expensive skin products to our daily regimen hoping we can avoid Botox and Juviderm until we’re 45? Or, do we choose, as we like to say, to “age gracefully.” But let’s face it; aging is about as graceful as it sounds.

Like many of you I suspect, I too was a teenager devoid of SPF. Back then our favorite skin product combination was Clinique Tan Enhancer layered with baby oil. We spent summers on the beach with foil behind our head in search for the perfect bronze glow. Sure it was damaging, but we looked damn good!

Our 20’s were filled with nights out drinking and frivolous one night stands followed by the early morning “walk of shame” and a much needed “Silkwood” shower. We chronically agonized and wondered if this guy or that guy was “the one.” Our apartments were shitholes. We spent our money on cheap booze and Suave shampoo. We had shitty jobs, or the shitty beginnings of good jobs.

Our 30’s were even more of a wasteland. We could no longer wear micro-miniskirts, halter-tops and platforms, but weren’t old enough for Chanel or Lanvin either. So we were stuck with Banana Republic. We couldn’t wear green nail polish anymore, but the deep dramatic reds seemed too “mature.” As for skincare, we couldn’t justify La Prairie, but Hard Candy seemed a bit sophomoric. We were stuck in mid-fashion, mid-colors, mid-skin care; hell, we were stuck in mediocrity.

George Bernard Shaw’s famous quote “youth is wasted on the young” is highly overrated. I mean really. What do we miss so much about being young? Such things as financial dependence on my parents, shitty first apartments, shitty paying jobs and crashing on someone’s couch I’ve happily left in my past. But there is one thing I miss. One thing hidden in Mr. Shaw’s quote: LOOKING young. Let me jog your memory. Remember the days of waking up LOOKING stunning after a restful 3 hours of sleep that followed 25 Jaegermeister shots and 2 packs of cigarettes? Indeed. I miss that.

Which brings me back to the original question: How do we choose to age? And for any of those still disillusioned, beauty IS on the outside. Especially now.

So here are our options:

1) “The Bride of Wildenstien”: Our 15 minutes of fame will be wasted on WE TV’s “Secret Lives of Women: Plastic Surgery Addicts.”

2) “Weathered with an Attitude”: Our diamonds more than make up for overwhelming pigmentation-think Pat Buckley. She was great pals with Bill Blass. She was tall. She was thin. Her couture was impeccable. And damn if she didn’t smoke her brains out with guaranteed front row at Fashion Week to boot.

3) “Gracefully Scientific”: A bit of Botox here and there; a nip and tuck to look 32 for as long as we can-secretly hoping we don’t end up escalating our love of Botox like we escalated our drug choices in college. But with the right regimen and a damn good doctor, Botox makes us 32 again. But for fucksake it’s time to be a grown up. So lie about it. “Why thank you so much. You must be joking? I have no idea why I still look 32.”

But as far as I’m concerned, however a woman chooses to “age” is her own personal choice. And I applaud those choices.

So whether your choice is surgery, Botox or nothing, I feel this list will resonate with all of us 40ish women on some or many levels.

THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING FORTY

1) ReVive Intensite Volumizing Serum is not extravagant. It’s the “fourth” basic need. ReVive Intensite Volumizing Serum, shelter, water and food. Yes, in that order. Life really does get simpler as we get older.

2) People finally listen when you tell them to fuck off.

3) Silly old priorities such as shoes and handbags, are replaced with much more important ones like stocks and real estate.

4) In the workplace, being a bitch has real impact. And it’s so much more fun.

5) Chanel collection is now appropriate for ALL occasions.

6) We can travel anywhere without the threat of being kidnapped and sold into sexual slavery.

7) You’ve stopped lying to yourself and everyone else. Size really does matter.

Searching for your “soulmate” has become much easier. All the old questions such as “does he really know me?” “will it last forever?” “will he be a good father?” “do we have common interests and goals?” “is there a lasting connection?” have all been replaced with the much simpler, “how much real estate does he own?”

9) You no longer have any moral dilemma about having sex in exchange for Harry Winston jewelry. Remember: you’ve had sex for a LOT less than that.

10) You can finally pop pills legally.

11) You empathize with Joan Crawford. A “good” child would never refuse a perfectly good rare steak with such disdain. And really-would you hang your Balenciaga on a wire hanger?

12) You know the difference between good duck confit and mediocre duck confit.

13) No more screwing around with “beauticians.” Your skincare specialist is a fucking M.D.

14) You finally understand what your mother meant when she wanted you to “marry well.”

15) Paris isn’t a vacation. It’s a weekend jaunt.

16) You never have to go to a shopping mall again. I assure you Yves St Laurent isn’t in any mall.

17) You understand the importance of throwing money at a problem.

18) Not having a maid makes about as much sense as not having a shower.

19) Kids or no kids-that subject is now closed for discussion.

20) Your shrink isn’t a grad student with some flimsy HMO. Your shrink has an office. On Fifth Avenue.

We all learned life lessons from the Brady Bunch. Yes. We did. Just admit it. Dammit!

1. Sometimes women drivers really are better
2. Don’t assume you can sell 1,000,000 bottles for a $1 each to make a million dollars. Fortunes were never made that way.
3. If a guy says; “something suddenly came up”, he’s a superficial liar
4. You can’t buy your kid’s love with a bicycle
5. Don’t get smug until AFTER you win the game show
6. If you wonder off in the Grand Canyon, remember to bring food and befriend an Indian
7. Don’t buy a “tiki” idol and wear it around your neck. EVER!
8. Caveat Emptor even applies when doing business with friends
9. If you’re gonna play ball in the house, make sure to thoroughly repair whatever you break
10. Don’t ask prospective friends over when your little brother is working on a science project. Especially if they’re bitchy.
11. It sucks to be a middle child. Even when you have a maid. It just sucks.
12. Don’t try and record a hit record during puberty
13. You have to date a dork when you break your nose
14. If your husband’s boss calls, do not, under any circumstances, assume it’s your husband playing a prank
15. Cousins are a jinx
16. If you’re son is doing poorly in school, assume the teacher gives him a boner
17. If you rescue someone from a falling shelf, don’t throw yourself a party
18. Having a lisp eats it especially when the guy making fun of you cries like a bitch when he gets his ass kicked.
19. Taking your kids on a honeymoon is a dumb idea. Even when you’ve verbally abused them
20. If you’re camping and you see a huge bear shadow while in your tent, ALWAYS assume it’s a cut out glued to a popsicle stick in front of a flashlight
21. Pray your kids believe that “desperate advice column letter” was written by you so they’ll do more chores to make you happy
22. If you get a new wife, make sure your maid still feels needed
23. Don’t ever try entering your Dad into the “Father of the Year” contest. You’ll come dangerously close to being barred from going on that ski trip
24. NEVER get braces before a school dance
25. If you have a crush on Desi Arnez Jr, don’t put it in your diary. It may get into his hands.
26. If you get accused of drawing a nasty picture of your teacher, cancel the slumber party. Unless of course, you want itching powder in your sleeping bag
27. If you find a wallet with a ton of money in it, don’t be an idiot. Keep it.
28. Don’t be a tattletale. Everyone, grownups included, will hate you.
29. Blondes do have more fun. Dark short hair only brings ridicule.
30. Just cause your favorite doll is missing doesn’t mean you would steal a kazoo
31. Former “sweethearts” usually want to rip you off
32. When protesting to save a park, for fuck sake, don’t pick the one your father was hired to redesign. Do you NOT want that allowance?
33. When you go to the Grand Canyon, do not look like the kind of people who might steal someone’s gold. Especially to Mr. Howell. He’s already rich!
34. If you’re told you have no personality, don’t try to be Humphrey Bogart.
35. Yes-you may end up looking like that ugly relative. Even if she is sorta cool.
36. Don’t let the maid go on vacation. Her temporary replacement might be from the Army
37. When involved in a lawsuit, always bring a briefcase
38. Demanding you want to be an only child will get you out of a family Howdown
39. “That was Alice. I’m Kay.”
40. When you play a “traitor” in a school play, you are in fact a traitor
41. Exact words aren’t always “exact words.”
42. Be careful whom you choose as a hero. For example, a murdering cowboy is not a good hero
43. If you want to meet Joe Namath, enlist your little sister to write a letter saying she is sick
44. Don’t take your kid brother on a date. Especially if you have a convertible
45. If the football star from the rival school asks you out, it is only because he wants to steal your schools playbook
46. Don’t bring important documents to an amusement park
47. Don’t beat your Dad’s boss at pool. That will be the end of the pool table
48. Your maid’s boyfriend isn’t a spy. Just take my word for it
49. If you and your younger brother are lying to 2 chicks and meet them out at a restaurant, make sure it’s NOT the same restaurant your parents are eating at
50. You may really find your long lost twin. Right in your very own school!

I’ve slowly become an apologist for my industry. I say “slowly” because a year ago when Bear Stearns went belly up, I wanted Jimmy Cayne to go to jail along with several others at Bear Stearns. But in truth, I was just hoping someone would wipe the floor with his ass. So many friends and people I worked with got whacked. They were out of a job and/or unable to retire because Mr. Cayne was playing bridge. I was livid. Sick. I spent a decade of my life there. This wasn’t business. This was personal. 

Around the same time, I spoke to a friend who was a teacher. Her response to Bear Stearns’ demise was “well, everyone who worked there has a lot of money so it’s not like they’re suffering.” I paused. Aghast. Stunned. “Well, that’s not really the way it is.” I replied. I felt like saying “are you out of your fucking mind?!!!” But I knew she wouldn’t believe it if I told her. She wouldn’t believe that most of the people at Bear Stearns were just people earning a living. They had families. They had bills to pay. They were no different than her.

A year later I found myself defending AIG bonuses to my boyfriend. Then it hit me. I was like a teenager defending my school. It’s fine when I say it sucks, but god forbid someone else does. But the discussion wasn’t even about AIG. AIG isn’t even my industry. They’re a fucking insurance company.

Had I become this defensive by feeling personally attacked by the media and strangers? By the generalization that ALL people who worked on Wall Street should be burned at the stake? Had working a block away from the NYSE and fighting my way home through various protests made me want to come to the defense of my “comrades” who worked inside? Had it become clear that the public and the general media were disgracefully misguided on the financial industry? Yes.

The mere fact there are protests at the NYSE make this very clear. The angry mob doesn’t even know what people in the NYSE actually do. If they did, they certainly wouldn’t be protesting there. But as we know, perception is very different from reality.

It seems the perceived reality of Wall Street is a bunch of middle aged white guys in Hermes ties and Armani suits sitting around a board room conjuring up ways to screw people. Like witches stewing over a caldron; mixing and watching a magic potion clicking their Ferragamo shoes while the rest of us get the shaft. This is a fallacy.  And this fallacy has created a public monster.

And it’s not just the result of the current financial collapse. Even back in the late 90’s, during a time of great prosperity, I often avoided the question about what I did for a living. After all, I lived in the East Village, home to the most tolerant and open-minded group of New Yorkers, except if you worked in finance. I was tired of being berated. Christ, I was just earning a living doing something that interested me. But I had to hide like a Communist in the 1950’s.  So even in the best of times, when people are making big returns, Wall Street is still an evil empire.

Of course, when people are making money, they credit themselves. And when they lose money, they blame someone else.

The truth behind the “Great Oz” of Wall Street “wizardry” is that the vast majority who work on Wall Street are hard working people earning a living. I am one of those people. I’ve never owned a home.  I’ve never owned a luxury car. I don’t own art. I can’t fly first class. I didn’t get a job on Wall Street because my parents knew people.

Be careful on your witch-hunt. Be careful you don’t catch a bunch of dolphins when you bring in some tuna.

Funny. Nowadays I just say I’m unemployed. Seems to be in vogue. Especially down on Wall Street.

Last week, Bernanke predicted the recession “could” end this year. Well, he’s out of his mind. Let me re-phrase. He’s lying. This is the same Bernanke who, less than a year ago, offered assurance there would be no recession while I jumped up and down pulling my hair out.

The IMF conducted a study on 124 banking crises over the last thirty years where massive debt overloaded the banking sector. Out of the six that occurred in wealthy nations, the speed of recovery varied from 2 (South Korea) to 10 (Japan) years. I think we can all agree that what’s happening now ain’t a typical banking crisis. Ending this year? No.

What was equally baffling was news that the market rallied on Bernanke’s comments. This was just plain wrong. The market rallied on technicals. As the DOW hit its worst levels since 1997 the market panicked. The “it can’t be this bad” panic actually created a rally and the DOW subsequently bounced off its 7100 level. And it happened again on Wednesday and again on Thursday. This had nothing to do with Bernanke.

I told a friend if the economy does show signs of strength in the next 6 months, to look out for hidden mine fields amongst the smoke and mirrors. In my mind, these will be the credit card companies. I suspect they won’t be racking up interest charges on new purchases these days while the sheer number of credit card defaults could make sub-prime mortgages look like a blip on the radar screen.

As virtually every sector in the stock market plummets deeper into the abyss, one thing eludes me. The credit card companies have remained relatively strong. Mastercard and Visa have actually outperformed the Dow in the last month. This worries me greatly. And it should worry all of you. But don’t be too concerned. Just like credit card debt, we will all simply pay for it later.

The average American household carries $10,700 in credit card debt. What was once a vehicle for emergencies, occasional purchases and travel expenses became a free for all “lay away plan.” And what’s even more outrageous is these companies can charge whatever interest rates they like. I consider their rates “usury” however, it seems the public disagrees given that they kept charging.

In 2005, credit card companies lobbied hard to change the bankruptcy laws in order to “protect” themselves. They won. This was really just an opportunity to eliminate massive amounts of risk while doling out $50,000 in credit to college students with zero credit history. In retrospect, they were just begging to be regulated. These laws won’t help them now. The public will soon want their heads on the chopping block. And I have no doubt the Obama administration will be more than happy to oblige.

How credit cards assess their risk is their business. If they deem it suitable to give an 18-year-old $50,000 in credit, that’s fine by me. However, don’t cry when you don’t get paid. And in turn, I don’t want to hear the whines of consumers who can’t pay their bills because they needed a new plasma TV. Leave me out of it. Cheap, easy credit is what caused the current banking crisis and what could soon create a credit card debt debacle. If you think consumer spending is at an all time low now, wait a few months. You’ll be able to get that $40 sweater at the Gap for $9.99.

Now these companies are offering incentives to people with large balances. American Express is offering $300. $300? Was that the magic number the algorithm machine spat out in order to alleviate their risk? Are they so deluded that they actually believe people have the money? Are they reading the same papers I’m reading? So if I rub the $300 American Express genie, $10,700 will automatically appear in my checking account? Well, if that’s the case, I’ll be swiping like crazy this week at the 5th Avenue fire sales.

This past week reminded me of an old lesson: at the end of the day, from stock prices to consumer spending to credit card debt: something is only worth what someone else is willing to pay for it.