Rough Music

We all learned life lessons from the Brady Bunch. Yes. We did. Just admit it. Dammit!

1. Sometimes women drivers really are better
2. Don’t assume you can sell 1,000,000 bottles for a $1 each to make a million dollars. Fortunes were never made that way.
3. If a guy says; “something suddenly came up”, he’s a superficial liar
4. You can’t buy your kid’s love with a bicycle
5. Don’t get smug until AFTER you win the game show
6. If you wonder off in the Grand Canyon, remember to bring food and befriend an Indian
7. Don’t buy a “tiki” idol and wear it around your neck. EVER!
8. Caveat Emptor even applies when doing business with friends
9. If you’re gonna play ball in the house, make sure to thoroughly repair whatever you break
10. Don’t ask prospective friends over when your little brother is working on a science project. Especially if they’re bitchy.
11. It sucks to be a middle child. Even when you have a maid. It just sucks.
12. Don’t try and record a hit record during puberty
13. You have to date a dork when you break your nose
14. If your husband’s boss calls, do not, under any circumstances, assume it’s your husband playing a prank
15. Cousins are a jinx
16. If you’re son is doing poorly in school, assume the teacher gives him a boner
17. If you rescue someone from a falling shelf, don’t throw yourself a party
18. Having a lisp eats it especially when the guy making fun of you cries like a bitch when he gets his ass kicked.
19. Taking your kids on a honeymoon is a dumb idea. Even when you’ve verbally abused them
20. If you’re camping and you see a huge bear shadow while in your tent, ALWAYS assume it’s a cut out glued to a popsicle stick in front of a flashlight
21. Pray your kids believe that “desperate advice column letter” was written by you so they’ll do more chores to make you happy
22. If you get a new wife, make sure your maid still feels needed
23. Don’t ever try entering your Dad into the “Father of the Year” contest. You’ll come dangerously close to being barred from going on that ski trip
24. NEVER get braces before a school dance
25. If you have a crush on Desi Arnez Jr, don’t put it in your diary. It may get into his hands.
26. If you get accused of drawing a nasty picture of your teacher, cancel the slumber party. Unless of course, you want itching powder in your sleeping bag
27. If you find a wallet with a ton of money in it, don’t be an idiot. Keep it.
28. Don’t be a tattletale. Everyone, grownups included, will hate you.
29. Blondes do have more fun. Dark short hair only brings ridicule.
30. Just cause your favorite doll is missing doesn’t mean you would steal a kazoo
31. Former “sweethearts” usually want to rip you off
32. When protesting to save a park, for fuck sake, don’t pick the one your father was hired to redesign. Do you NOT want that allowance?
33. When you go to the Grand Canyon, do not look like the kind of people who might steal someone’s gold. Especially to Mr. Howell. He’s already rich!
34. If you’re told you have no personality, don’t try to be Humphrey Bogart.
35. Yes-you may end up looking like that ugly relative. Even if she is sorta cool.
36. Don’t let the maid go on vacation. Her temporary replacement might be from the Army
37. When involved in a lawsuit, always bring a briefcase
38. Demanding you want to be an only child will get you out of a family Howdown
39. “That was Alice. I’m Kay.”
40. When you play a “traitor” in a school play, you are in fact a traitor
41. Exact words aren’t always “exact words.”
42. Be careful whom you choose as a hero. For example, a murdering cowboy is not a good hero
43. If you want to meet Joe Namath, enlist your little sister to write a letter saying she is sick
44. Don’t take your kid brother on a date. Especially if you have a convertible
45. If the football star from the rival school asks you out, it is only because he wants to steal your schools playbook
46. Don’t bring important documents to an amusement park
47. Don’t beat your Dad’s boss at pool. That will be the end of the pool table
48. Your maid’s boyfriend isn’t a spy. Just take my word for it
49. If you and your younger brother are lying to 2 chicks and meet them out at a restaurant, make sure it’s NOT the same restaurant your parents are eating at
50. You may really find your long lost twin. Right in your very own school!